Author Archive


Posted on March 25, 2010 - by

How not to write a crock of shit

Getty Images/Amanda Edwards

Some refreshingly direct wisdom on drama, the job of the writer and how not to be a dickhead, courtesy of Hollywood’s favorite literary pugilist, David Mamet.1

Highlights cut & pasted below, but if I were you I’d click through and read the whole thing at Movieline. For the record, I have no idea why it’s in ALL CAPS.

———————————–

“THE JOB OF THE DRAMATIST IS TO MAKE THE AUDIENCE WONDER WHAT HAPPENS NEXT. NOT TO EXPLAIN TO THEM WHAT JUST HAPPENED, OR TO*SUGGEST* TO THEM WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.

ANY DICKHEAD CAN WRITE, “BUT, JIM, IF WE DON’T ASSASSINATE THE PRIME MINISTER IN THE NEXT SCENE, ALL EUROPE WILL BE ENGULFED IN FLAME”

THINK LIKE A FILMMAKER RATHER THAN A FUNCTIONARY, BECAUSE, IN TRUTH, YOU ARE MAKING THE FILM. WHAT YOU WRITE, THEY WILL SHOOT.

HERE ARE THE DANGER SIGNALS. ANY TIME TWO CHARACTERS ARE TALKING ABOUT A THIRD, THE SCENE IS A CROCK OF SHIT.

ANY TIME ANY CHARACTER IS SAYING TO ANOTHER “AS YOU KNOW”, THAT IS, TELLING ANOTHER CHARACTER WHAT YOU, THE WRITER, NEED THE AUDIENCE TO KNOW, THE SCENE IS A CROCK OF SHIT.

DO NOT WRITE A CROCK OF SHIT. WRITE A RIPPING THREE, FOUR, SEVEN MINUTE SCENE WHICH MOVES THE STORY ALONG, AND YOU CAN, VERY SOON, BUY A HOUSE IN BEL AIR AND HIRE SOMEONE TO LIVE THERE FOR YOU.”

LOVE, DAVE MAMET
SANTA MONICA 19 OCTO 05

  1. Rumor has it this is from a memo Mamet wrote to the staff of The Unit. Of course, it’s probably only a matter of days before we find out the whole thing is a hoax, and the actual author is Kurt Vonnegut or Mamet’s dog walker or some guy who writes for The Onion. But does any of that really matter on the Internet? It’s still a fun read and pretty good advice. [↩]

Posted on January 12, 2010 - by

Mr. Unlucky wins Champion Screenwriting Competition

unlucky_scriptGot some good news to kick off 2010. After a series of near-misses, short-lists, semi-finals and finals, Mr. Unlucky finally stepped up to the plate and hit one out of the park. That’s right, my little screenplay about leprechaun gangsters, true love, road trips, diabolical corporate executives, game shows, breakfast cereal, a 1960 Plymouth Valiant and the unluckiest guy in the world is the official Champion of Champion.

Righteous!

Now let me tell you – this is my kind of screenwriting contest. Prizes were handed out over beers, fortune cookies and steaming plates of Kung Pao on a Friday nite in Hollywood. The next two days were a blur of high-fives and bourbons at the Coach & Horses, a weekend crash course in screenwriting (courtesy of Mr. Jim Mercurio) that featured a cold reading of our scripts by the talented and ever-so-handsome AJ Quartermaine, and finally taking my beautiful out for a steak dinner at Musso & Frank’s to celebrate.

Musso & Franks, photo by bhampton1963 (Flickr)

Musso & Frank's, photo by bhampton1963 (Flickr)

And just in case you were worried that this sudden success will go to my head, allow me to share a little story. The Falcon was in the shop that weekend, so the very first thing I did after winning the contest was slide the winner’s check into my pocket, walk down to La Brea, and wait 45 minutes for the bus to take me home. In the rain. Damn right it’s glamorous being the Writerman.

Just watch for me on Entourage next week, baby.

Thanks Jim!

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Posted on December 23, 2009 - by

Jim’s totally excellent screenwriting seminar

I must admit: I’ve always been a little suspicious of screenwriting seminars and the people who teach them. If Robert McKee really knows how to craft a Black-List-topping, low-to-mid-six-figures-selling, Oscar-winning screenplay, why doesn’t he sit down and write one of his own, instead of charging me and you and everyone we know a thousand bucks to learn his patented secret formula? I mean, what could a guy like this Jim Mercurio character possibly teach that couldn’t be learned from watching Chinatown for the 23rd time?

It was with this general air of skepticism and a mild hangover that I entered Jim’s A-List Screenwriting class on a Saturday morning. And, by the time we hit California Pizza Kitchen for lunch, my headache and my doubts had vanished. Jim really knows his shit.1

Jim’s unique way of thinking about writing opened my eyes to a whole new way of looking at a script. In short order, he armed me with a ton of ideas for exploring character, revealing theme, tightening plot and turning up the funny in my stuff. The guy is a diet-soda-fueled tornado of insights and ideas. His knowledge of film is encyclopedic. His DVD collection is first-class. And his course is fun, fast-paced and seriously inspiring. He’s also way funnier in person than this photo makes him appear. I strongly recommend.

  1. Full disclosure – I did not have to pay for Jim’s class, I won a free pass from the Champion Screenwriting Contest. So, I have no idea what he charges, but I would say if you’re serious about writing the movies then it’s probably worth it to scrape a couple of bucks together and give it a shot. [↩]

Posted on August 5, 2009 - by

Brand new look for your friendly neighborhood Writerman

Finally picked up my new business cards from the printer. Check it out:

la front

wm_cards_front

le back

wm_cards_back

Now, you too can get your very own limited-edition WM business card. And all you have to do is call the Writerman Hotline here in Los Angeles and make an appointment to take a meeting, do lunch, or hit the taco truck with your friendly neighborhood Writerman. What are you waiting for?

Also – mad props and undying gratitude to the fabulous Sara Bailey for making me look so good (on paper at least). thanks Bailey!


Posted on July 4, 2009 - by

The Writerman Top 10 Project Begins

In the tangled jungle that is Los Angeles, people love to ask this one:

“So, what are your favorite movies?”

In the real world, this is a perfectly legitimate question that perfectly legitimate people ask one another all the time. But in the Hollywood World, this is a very loaded question. Depending on the location, time of day, and which one of you is expected to pay for that 15-dollar salad you’re picking at, the subtext of that question could be…

Do I want to work with you? Do you have taste? Do I really want to read the script you just handed me? Should I trust your opinion on the script I just handed you? Should I give you my cell number? Will 10% of your salary cover the payments on my new Lexus? Should I invite you to join my writer’s group? Should I sleep with you?

Whenever I am confronted with that question, I find myself ill prepared and I end up stumbling and rambling and naming at least one picture that I haven’t even seen. But no more! Today, I start the official Writerman “Top 10 Project” – where I put down my favorite movies right here on the Internet for all to see. Of course, I reserve the right to flip-flop1, change my mind, edit or revise this and any other Top 10 lists anytime I please. That’s what makes it a “project.”

So, without further preamble, here it is: the inaugural list of the Writerman Top 10 Project.

My Top 10 Favorite Movies of All Time

In alphabetical order2

  • Bull Durham
  • Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
  • Finding Nemo
  • Goodfellas
  • Pulp Fiction
  • Raiders of the Lost Ark
  • Rushmore
  • Stand by Me
  • Star Wars3
  • The Princess Bride


  1. In fact, after reading the list over, I’ll probably change it tomorrow. I mean, not a single Coen brothers, Hitchcock or Bogart movie? What jackass made this list? [↩]
  2. Picking 10 was hard enough, surely I can’t be expected to rank them. [↩]
  3. If you have to ask which one, we can never be friends. [↩]

Posted on May 26, 2009 - by

CineStory Screenwriting Awards

memorial_day_bbqWhile I was busy playing bocce in the park and trying to live up to my vow to BBQ every meal for Memorial Day weekend, I heard the good word from CineStory:

My hard-working, good-looking script Mr. Unlucky survived the first round of judging and made it to the quarterfinals of the 2009 CineStory Screenwriting Awards!

thanks CineStory!


Posted on April 2, 2009 - by

Don’t you forget about me

breakfast-club1Started working on a new script the other day. It’s set in a high school, and since I’m definitely not in high school anymore, I’ve been using it as an excuse to watch old episodes of Freaks & Geeks, turn Sunday into a John Hughes movie marathon, and hit the midnight screening of the Breakfast Club at the Regency Fairfax. Good times!

Now I know some people worship at the altar of the Geeks and the Freaks, and I can respect that. It was a great show. But I bet if you ask Judd Apatow, he’d agree that John Hughes is clearly the master.

There’s just no denying that every teen movie and tv show made after 1984 is heavily influenced by Mr. Hughes precarious balance of realism, comedy, and melodrama. In fact, I’d argue that the influence of Hughes’ movies extends beyond the screen. If you grew up in the 80s or 90s, there’s a good chance Sixteen Candles or Weird Science or Ferris Bueller had a direct impact on your young life.

  • How many preteen geeks enrolled in computer classes in the desperate hope that someday they could make their very own supermodel, just like Anthony Michael Hall?
  • On a personal note, it was Ferris Bueller himself who inspired me to start cutting class. Of course, I got busted a lot more than Ferris and I sure as hell never got to drive a convertible Ferrari.
  • I even have a friend who, to this day, dances (un-ironically) just like Molly Ringwald in Breakfast Club.

To be fair, Hughes isn’t perfect. Maybe Andie should have ended up with Duckie, and maybe it was kind of anti-feminist when the basket case got a makeover so she could make out with Charlie Sheen’s brother. But for my money, John Hughes was one of the best and most influential writer/directors of the late 20th century.

Thanks John. We won’t forget about you.


Posted on April 1, 2009 - by

More Shameless Self-Promotion

Sometimes, when I’m not busy typing, I play the trumpet in a rock band.

This clip is from an interview 40% of the Amateurs did with LoudVine the week before we put out our new record. Which, technically, makes this post a shameless promotion for a shameless promotion.

Still: rock in the park!


Posted on December 1, 2008 - by

PAGE Awards for two of my scripts!

double

Some days, good things do come in pairs. Two of my scripts made the semi-finals of the PAGE International Screenwriting Awards:

MR. UNLUCKY – a 21st century fairy tale about leprechaun gangsters, true love, breakfast cereal and the unluckiest guy in the world.

1-800-SUPERHERO – an hour-long TV pilot about a Regular Joe trying to survive high school at super-powered Cosmic City Central.


Posted on November 25, 2008 - by

I’m on my way, I don’t know where I’m going

Behold:

One minute and fifty two seconds of the purest joy music can buy. I dare you not to smile.

Thank you Mr. Paul Simon and Sesame Street.

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